Four months surrounded by beauty all around and now the natural cycle of autumn bursting with color and leaves falling one by one or sometimes many in a whoosh of wind, I notice a deeper uncoiling of my being. Trained in many attachments both familial and cultural I now know I can take actions from a different place, a place of learned wisdom, resilience, and intuition. And I still make mistakes.
The latest both mental and emotional “let go” happened to be irrational thoughts and fears of getting in horrible trouble for making mistakes. I recently made some because I’m human. I will likely make many more errors before I “peace out” from this wonderful planet. May I not err in living true and doing my best to create a “do over,” and “make it right.” When I can do neither, I will do my best to fully own the miscue and see all the learning about myself inside the gaff. Self-discovery isn’t always an easy or comfortable path and it can be quite freeing at the end of a day or a week of apologizing, correcting, and self-forgiving. Next time I know I can pay closer attention to both the details and the big picture.
Maybe you, too, make occasional mistakes. What do you do? Do you take full responsibility and work to correct the error? Do you hold others accountable for your miscues and make it all about someone else or something else? Have you pulled apart what’s your honest err and what is someone else’s shame and blame thrown into your bucket? What’s your process?
I’ve discovered it useful to look carefully at what others say might be my gaffs in being alive, walking in my soft slippers in this world. My past training lead me down a road that leads nowhere for several adults had no capacity to take full responsibility for their overreactions, flaming words, or cruel accusations. Convinced that I was at fault chronically and constantly, I learned a maladaptation of apologizing and internalizing shame that actually wasn’t ever mine. It sometimes kept me a bit distracted from my own miscues as I worked diligently to clean up other people’s messes that had been made my own. My own existence often felt like it was on the chopping block.
Is it safe for you to own your mistakes and miscues? Have you found a pathway to “let go” of what is clearly someone else’s? Maybe it shows up in your physical space, as that belonging that was never yours, that hand-me-down you did not ever choose to own. Is it possible to set both free now? Can you carry the item out of your home knowing in your heart it never felt like a good fit? Can you let go of the internal swirl of thoughts associated with being a holding tank for what are clearly other people’s challenges, pains, hurts, and gaffs? And I celebrate those of you who have rarely had to do this type of purging.
There’s beauty in letting go of what is no longer ours. Just as a tree sets its leaves free, may we find greater peace in the surrender and rest of letting go of what was never ours to have or to hold. Your words and deeds are yours and mine are mine. May we find some compassion in seeing one another’s humanity in our common fumbling and bumbling and our rising with humility and fresh course correction. Allow natural consequences to speak the lessons we need and are capable of learning. May we see our miscues fully and seek our blind spots to own them with a humble human heart knowing who we are is so much bigger than our embarrassment or shame. The red leaves fall from the trees blushing as they fly in the wind free and then scatter on the ground to become compost for the soil in the spring. Rest with Peace.